Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
