i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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