i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
