When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
