i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Slut skills are useful in every country.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
