My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
