so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My penis needs a shock collar
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize