How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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