my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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