Grow some girl-balls and come out already
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
