I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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