I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Two words: blizzard sex
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
