I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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