I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
