Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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