Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
