I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
