i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I did not marry a roomba.
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