so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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