Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
