Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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