He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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