i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Two words: nipple clamps
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