Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
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There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
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I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
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