I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
