One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
