I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
