I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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