my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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