My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
