When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
