I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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