im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
