btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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