On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
