Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
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Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
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If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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