She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
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Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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