Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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