by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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