Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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