My Higher Power is John Stamos
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
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The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
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That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize