He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
