my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
