I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
