You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
