he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
