I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
