I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
