I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
