I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
