I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
