Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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