Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
