I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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