It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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