I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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