Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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