You're a womanizer and a bitch.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
